Please forgive me
As I prepare for the upcoming praise night, i'm starting to feel more and more uneasy. Uneasy not in a sense of fear for the quality of performance, but discomfort with the whole system.
Perhaps, I have been too stubborn and overwhelmed by pride. Ever since my JC-1 Exco Interview, I began to ponder upon this question - Do you want to be a leader or a follower? Of course, at that point of time, I chose to be a leader. I would rather to be leading and hence, get my ideas across and get them acted upon. Perhaps I'm conceited, for I always wanted my own way. Well, the outcome was I din't get into the exco, but I did became a leader - the section leader. In one way, I did lead the section and made many decisions, and of course, got into much scoldings. I had power and authority over much things. And it felt great to be respected, well, the teachers would actually consult me about matters. That must be one of my failings - the desire for power. But I aim for good quality. I want everything done the best. I have high expectations of myself and my work. Well, maybe perhaps for my school work. I haven't been doing for my school work. I'm quite disappointed with the results over these years, so much so I have given up much hope.
Since I'm the leader, I have the tendency to want to do things my way. But I told myself I must always keep an open mind and allow suggestions and of course, criticism. Well, my strong pride hasn't allow me that much of openness, but I'm still trying - very hard too.
However, this praise night preparation makes me wonder about being a leader in church.
Perhaps, I'm still young and inexperienced. I don't seem to get the respect I sometimes deem to should have gotten. My opinions are sometimes not so highly regarded. However, when someone of more experience discusses the same things, people took those seriously. Then I began to think - Haven't I said the same things before?
People who are more experienced offered suggestions and advice. Well since, you have specifically say that's a suggestion, isn't it alright if I decide not to take that suggestion but keep to my original ideas? Why do I have this feeling that they sounded more than giving suggestions - but instructions?
Another not-so-nice-thing about some leaders is that they can openly criticised your wrongs, yet not willingly accept opinions. Firstly, I think it is inappropriate for you as a leader to criticise another person's wrong in front of the wrong congregation, especially if that person is also a leader. We need to correct each other, but not so openly. It is important to respect the other person as well. A better way would be to approach the person individually and talk it out with him/her.
As a leader, you should be open to opinions. (Here, I refer to specific direct opinions... not those deemed as suggestions.) If you remain stubborn, you would lose all respect. People would just listen because they have to, not because they respect you.
Serving in the church needs much more committment. Despite being tied down by work or school work, it is important to understand that if you are serving, then you have a greater responsibility than others. It means that you have agree to put in more responsibilities to offer to God. Of course, it doesn't mean if you don't serve, you can afford to slack off. But if you are serving, you should at least put in that extra effort to do some work, or do work that has been assigned to you. But people always come up with excuses and reasons to cover for their absence. Even when they are present, they do not take the extra step to contribute a more little amount of effort.
All these have been spiritually disturbing to me. Daphne was happy for me being elected as the choir chairperson. I told her that I lacked the spirituality and experience. But she told me that, in fact, when you serve, you learn more about God and your own personal relationship with God.
I began with much enthusiasism and of course, told myself that I must not neglect by personal time with God anymore. I picked up my Bible, took up purpose-driven life as well as Reaching for an invisible God. I was inspired by Philip Yancey's words and began on a total brand new experience with God. I never felt closer to God as before.
But being in a leadership position makes you see more things clearly as well.
The committee is not working. Despite the plans and ideas discussed, things went on very much as before. The choir did not grow and I fail to bring the choir to a higher level.
I began to discover for myself some things about the system and how the leaders actually worked.
I realised that the church did not fulfil all what it's supposed to do, as according to the Bible.
People are more than what they seem to be.
My whole spiritual relationship with God came to an abrupt halt.
I lost God.
I felt lost.
I din't know what I can do, or what I should do.
I don't know who to approach.
Even when I feel I should approach some certain person, I felt that everything was so fake.
I felt myself so fake, going to church everyweek, pretending to be some leader, yet have no faith, no relationship with God.
I felt disappointed.
I really, really, really, felt lost.
I stopped going to fellowship for I felt it did not provide what I lacked. It did not show me the right direction and I'm unable to feel God.
But then again, in a presbytarian Church, you are not supposed to feel God, you are supposed to have faith and believe that there is a God.
This is terribly difficult sometimes. I do not have a strong testimony unlike some who dramatically convert to become believers.
I came to know Christ because my mom brought me to church. The pastor is my gran-uncle. But all the while, I have been led to church. I have no feelings or whatsoever.
The first time I really felt His presence so strongly was during the crusade orientation camp. I really felt God was there and that was really a wonderful feeling. It feels like God was really there at that moment, and you can really sing out in joy.
I do not feel like this anymore, or rather, ever again. In church, everything seems like a routine to me.
My responsibility became a burden - a burden to please others, to understand what others expect and want, to give the church what it wants.
This is not my idea of being a christian.
Although people always say charismatic churches are thereotically wrong - what with a singing pastor, and loose dressings, but the presence of God is strong. The spiritual foundation is strong.
I do not know of what lies behind their scenes - they may also have other leadership problems.
But i still believe that having a good relationship with God is important.
How can I have a good relationship with God when I do not agree with some many things?
I'm sure many of you who read this would offer some kind of advice or stuff... but...
sorry to tell you guys, so far, all your advice are not bringing me forward... they are not the things I'm searching for... they do not offer much explanations to why things are the way it is sometimes...
I do not want to talk about them as well, for I'm not verbally inclined...
Who do you turn to to, if your church do not work up to your expectations, or when it does not turn out to be as good as it claims?
What is that church for, if you can't grow spiritually?
I am still searching for some answers...
But I doubt I can get them in near future, because...
I'm totally lost from God.
And that is an actual fact.
The holding factor of me still in church is because -
of my mom
of my responsibility
of the avoidance of much people wanting to talk to me about what I must not do
I'm sorry God,
I would really like to love You with all my heart
But sometimes, it is just so difficult...
You are so faraway
And sometimes, things don't make sense
And...
I'm tired of trying.
Please forgive me.
Perhaps, I have been too stubborn and overwhelmed by pride. Ever since my JC-1 Exco Interview, I began to ponder upon this question - Do you want to be a leader or a follower? Of course, at that point of time, I chose to be a leader. I would rather to be leading and hence, get my ideas across and get them acted upon. Perhaps I'm conceited, for I always wanted my own way. Well, the outcome was I din't get into the exco, but I did became a leader - the section leader. In one way, I did lead the section and made many decisions, and of course, got into much scoldings. I had power and authority over much things. And it felt great to be respected, well, the teachers would actually consult me about matters. That must be one of my failings - the desire for power. But I aim for good quality. I want everything done the best. I have high expectations of myself and my work. Well, maybe perhaps for my school work. I haven't been doing for my school work. I'm quite disappointed with the results over these years, so much so I have given up much hope.
Since I'm the leader, I have the tendency to want to do things my way. But I told myself I must always keep an open mind and allow suggestions and of course, criticism. Well, my strong pride hasn't allow me that much of openness, but I'm still trying - very hard too.
However, this praise night preparation makes me wonder about being a leader in church.
Perhaps, I'm still young and inexperienced. I don't seem to get the respect I sometimes deem to should have gotten. My opinions are sometimes not so highly regarded. However, when someone of more experience discusses the same things, people took those seriously. Then I began to think - Haven't I said the same things before?
People who are more experienced offered suggestions and advice. Well since, you have specifically say that's a suggestion, isn't it alright if I decide not to take that suggestion but keep to my original ideas? Why do I have this feeling that they sounded more than giving suggestions - but instructions?
Another not-so-nice-thing about some leaders is that they can openly criticised your wrongs, yet not willingly accept opinions. Firstly, I think it is inappropriate for you as a leader to criticise another person's wrong in front of the wrong congregation, especially if that person is also a leader. We need to correct each other, but not so openly. It is important to respect the other person as well. A better way would be to approach the person individually and talk it out with him/her.
As a leader, you should be open to opinions. (Here, I refer to specific direct opinions... not those deemed as suggestions.) If you remain stubborn, you would lose all respect. People would just listen because they have to, not because they respect you.
Serving in the church needs much more committment. Despite being tied down by work or school work, it is important to understand that if you are serving, then you have a greater responsibility than others. It means that you have agree to put in more responsibilities to offer to God. Of course, it doesn't mean if you don't serve, you can afford to slack off. But if you are serving, you should at least put in that extra effort to do some work, or do work that has been assigned to you. But people always come up with excuses and reasons to cover for their absence. Even when they are present, they do not take the extra step to contribute a more little amount of effort.
All these have been spiritually disturbing to me. Daphne was happy for me being elected as the choir chairperson. I told her that I lacked the spirituality and experience. But she told me that, in fact, when you serve, you learn more about God and your own personal relationship with God.
I began with much enthusiasism and of course, told myself that I must not neglect by personal time with God anymore. I picked up my Bible, took up purpose-driven life as well as Reaching for an invisible God. I was inspired by Philip Yancey's words and began on a total brand new experience with God. I never felt closer to God as before.
But being in a leadership position makes you see more things clearly as well.
The committee is not working. Despite the plans and ideas discussed, things went on very much as before. The choir did not grow and I fail to bring the choir to a higher level.
I began to discover for myself some things about the system and how the leaders actually worked.
I realised that the church did not fulfil all what it's supposed to do, as according to the Bible.
People are more than what they seem to be.
My whole spiritual relationship with God came to an abrupt halt.
I lost God.
I felt lost.
I din't know what I can do, or what I should do.
I don't know who to approach.
Even when I feel I should approach some certain person, I felt that everything was so fake.
I felt myself so fake, going to church everyweek, pretending to be some leader, yet have no faith, no relationship with God.
I felt disappointed.
I really, really, really, felt lost.
I stopped going to fellowship for I felt it did not provide what I lacked. It did not show me the right direction and I'm unable to feel God.
But then again, in a presbytarian Church, you are not supposed to feel God, you are supposed to have faith and believe that there is a God.
This is terribly difficult sometimes. I do not have a strong testimony unlike some who dramatically convert to become believers.
I came to know Christ because my mom brought me to church. The pastor is my gran-uncle. But all the while, I have been led to church. I have no feelings or whatsoever.
The first time I really felt His presence so strongly was during the crusade orientation camp. I really felt God was there and that was really a wonderful feeling. It feels like God was really there at that moment, and you can really sing out in joy.
I do not feel like this anymore, or rather, ever again. In church, everything seems like a routine to me.
My responsibility became a burden - a burden to please others, to understand what others expect and want, to give the church what it wants.
This is not my idea of being a christian.
Although people always say charismatic churches are thereotically wrong - what with a singing pastor, and loose dressings, but the presence of God is strong. The spiritual foundation is strong.
I do not know of what lies behind their scenes - they may also have other leadership problems.
But i still believe that having a good relationship with God is important.
How can I have a good relationship with God when I do not agree with some many things?
I'm sure many of you who read this would offer some kind of advice or stuff... but...
sorry to tell you guys, so far, all your advice are not bringing me forward... they are not the things I'm searching for... they do not offer much explanations to why things are the way it is sometimes...
I do not want to talk about them as well, for I'm not verbally inclined...
Who do you turn to to, if your church do not work up to your expectations, or when it does not turn out to be as good as it claims?
What is that church for, if you can't grow spiritually?
I am still searching for some answers...
But I doubt I can get them in near future, because...
I'm totally lost from God.
And that is an actual fact.
The holding factor of me still in church is because -
of my mom
of my responsibility
of the avoidance of much people wanting to talk to me about what I must not do
I'm sorry God,
I would really like to love You with all my heart
But sometimes, it is just so difficult...
You are so faraway
And sometimes, things don't make sense
And...
I'm tired of trying.
Please forgive me.
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