Please let me go
I read through today's EveryDay and I can't help feeling the same as the writer. The writer came from a church that did not elaborate on church religiousity physically. His church believed that function is more important than symbolism. However, he illustrated through Exodus 27 and Exodus 30 how God wanted symbolism to be involved in the church building. God seems to imply a visual experience of worship. The writer chose to dismissed his much cherished traditions of others in favour of his own preferred style.
I love God and I know He is a loving God. But sometimes, He scares me. I feel that He is loving, yet stern. I am afraid of breaking any laws and having to explain myself when Judgment Day comes. But I can't help sinning. That is why I want to get closer to God. I see people whose lives are filled with God's presence and they are often full of praise. But when I look at myself, I see a withered body - dried up and tired. Sometimes, it gets so dry that I simply see no meaning in life. Why do I have to do so much for the society? Is religion afterall a tool by the state to manipulate people and keep social boundaries? I dunwan to think like that but my studies are shaping me so. I want to feel God and have all my meanings deconstructed.
I feel sad in my own church.
I like my friends, they are cool and friendly. But I feel sad because I do not feel God. My preferred style in not to immerse in just traditional mandarin hymns. I like singing to God in all songs and music. I want to jump up and dance. But with hymns, I can't do that. With my church, I can't do that.
I want to move on to grow. But I cannot do so.
People see me as a traitor, a betrayer, someone who gives up, someone who escapes. They say it is my problem and not the church's problem. I must identify this root of the problem and stay. I cannot move on.
The whole thing is wrong, because my mentality is wrong.
But do anyone understands that I am feeling anomie? I feel strained because I am stuck.
I have to stay.
This is the commandment of the church as well as the members.
Am I seriously wrong to think this way?
Is this also what God thinks?
Can you all please let me go?
before I turn into someone who just go for the sake of going
Don't anybody understand?
I love God and I know He is a loving God. But sometimes, He scares me. I feel that He is loving, yet stern. I am afraid of breaking any laws and having to explain myself when Judgment Day comes. But I can't help sinning. That is why I want to get closer to God. I see people whose lives are filled with God's presence and they are often full of praise. But when I look at myself, I see a withered body - dried up and tired. Sometimes, it gets so dry that I simply see no meaning in life. Why do I have to do so much for the society? Is religion afterall a tool by the state to manipulate people and keep social boundaries? I dunwan to think like that but my studies are shaping me so. I want to feel God and have all my meanings deconstructed.
I feel sad in my own church.
I like my friends, they are cool and friendly. But I feel sad because I do not feel God. My preferred style in not to immerse in just traditional mandarin hymns. I like singing to God in all songs and music. I want to jump up and dance. But with hymns, I can't do that. With my church, I can't do that.
I want to move on to grow. But I cannot do so.
People see me as a traitor, a betrayer, someone who gives up, someone who escapes. They say it is my problem and not the church's problem. I must identify this root of the problem and stay. I cannot move on.
The whole thing is wrong, because my mentality is wrong.
But do anyone understands that I am feeling anomie? I feel strained because I am stuck.
I have to stay.
This is the commandment of the church as well as the members.
Am I seriously wrong to think this way?
Is this also what God thinks?
Can you all please let me go?
before I turn into someone who just go for the sake of going
Don't anybody understand?
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