thank you - wt

I thank God for wt to chance upon my blog. It's pretty nice to hear from a 3rd person though. Upon this issue, I have talked to many but I feel that I kept stumbling upon this.
I don't dare to approach sy because... well, other than the fact that he's my half-uncle... well, he's the pastor's son... but I feel that sometimes, he is so high up on the ladder that perhaps he couldn't well understand... well, most of the time he's talking anyway... and I'm not really good at expressing my thoughts vocally...
talking to my mom can be quite exasperating... at one moment she goes all out to support me to try other churches... another moment she'll burst into anger to scold me for comparing the church with others... she's abit weird anyway...
I feel that I haven't been strong in Christ. Every week I just go to church, sing hymns, once in a while lead the choir or go for combined practices... talk to people in church... then go home... sometimes i really dread weekends... I look at my weekend schedule... then I would just complain "why is there so many activities going on?" I'm supposed to be happy doing all these stuff... but hey, why am I complaining? I see my friends from other churches even though burdened with even more responsibilities, still enjoy church fellowship. But why am I not?
Perhaps, I have been tied down with too much work in church?
But I don't think I'm too committed. My mom says I keep complaining about the work when I'm doing so little.
Jy feels sorry for me. And of coz, he don't say nice things sometimes. I know he's sad for me... but well, we do have small arguments over such matters... he saz how come I don't listen to him but listen to others who say the same things... hmm... maybe becoz he's not christian, that's y i have my doubts?

But why am I so tired serving? What exactly is wrong with the whole thing?

Dunno oso.

Maybe too many things on me? I worry about school work, exams, bf, family, this and that?
But everyone else is coping fine what.
I lack experience?
True enough, I can't conduct well even though I do have some experience with it... I can't teach well... I can't motivate people enough...
Go for courses? But these courses are expensive... I don't know if the church would subsidise... and it takes time and commitment... I dunno if I'm up to it...
I'm thinking of stepping down for a year first after this July... but Yiying saz she must work with me... but I feel that I'm not ready for it... and I'm not up to it... somehow, my views don't get across... mom saz I'm too full of myself... must learn to listen to the leaders... but sometimes I feel that well, I'm the conductor, perhaps I could be heard? Or was I wrong to assume so?
If I tell them I want to step down because of inexperience, they sure say..."then the more u shld continue to stay on and learn" but I'm facing a blank wall! Oh, i'm so troubled...

the next thing coming up is oso the mission to south africa...
why am I going?
mom saz that I'm not doing a good job here... why go elsewhere when u cant do it well at home...
so, why am i going?
what was i thinking when i first signed up?
i was thinking...
wow, south africa... beautiful place
i've always wanted to go there!
but mission... can i do it? do i dare to talk to ppl abt God...
i guess, i took it up to challenge myself...
i wanted to challenge myself to go further... to be more daring... to be more faithful... and to have more things to thank God esp when He show the work done...
i want to learn more about myself... what i can really do...
i want to learn more about God... what He will do...
to get closer to God...
is that a good reason?
I guess i didn't really consult God...

that's what's lacking in me...
I do not talk enough with God...
I'm already so heavy in my head, in my heart... but never talk to God...

Too heavy...