Half of 2008 gone!
Maybe because now that the IT has picked up security again at the office, once again I can no longer serve the net as I used to. So, the sweet days were short-lived. There goes my pet feeding and motor racing...
Anyway, I was surprised to find so many dears have tagged me. So sorry, guys - I didn't visit my webpage for ages until Siying mentioned again today.
Once again, it is back to the routined monotonous weekend for me. Shopping on saturdays, and church on Sundays. Until such that, every week when my Jap teacher asked what we do on weekends, I'm always "Kyou kai e ikimashita." (I went to church). Nothing much special about my weekends. Since now mom has made it a rule that she must see me on all the special occasions singing - guess she was pissed off for my absence on stage on church anniversary. So much so that she keeps putting the blame on JY for influencing me. Not to say that he didn't influence me, but he is not the main issue. I guess it went way back even to JC days. Can still remember Daphne nagging at me - "change church lah". So, what makes me so indifferent? Why can't I stay peacefully serving in church? Why do I question so much?
Maybe because I am not motivated ba. I have been much influenced by people from campus crusade. In uni days, they showed much vigour and zest. I felt so "alive" among them. I felt that I can really enjoy being in the community of christians. They were very real, very enthusiastic about serving and definitely very serious. Maybe because I don't have a good fellowship in church. In the first place, never really felt I belonged there. Now, plus so many new faces, don't even want to go back.
Ask me to take the choir again? I told myself, I will just stay as a normal member and sing till one day maybe I have the courage to move on, or I have become accustomed and just stay quiet without complaining about it. Looks like my heart might be giving in again. Sadly, nobody else can take the role. Everyone is busy with something. It seems like I'm the most free eh? Maybe I am free... people say knowing music is a blessing. Sorry God, I feel that it is a burden, almost as if it is a curse. I rather not know music. I rather be someone invisible. I don't want... I DON'T WANT!
I feel like shouting at the top of my lungs. It seems that there are so many things inside me. Maybe that's why I'm always so frustrated. But yet, I can't let it out. JY is already scolding me about it, because I'm always so unreasonable, losing temper. He feels that it is a trademark of my mom. Although it is true, I really don't wish to have both of them against each other. I'm not listening to sermon even though I stay wide awake, I'm not praying, I'm not even there....
I guess when Judgement Day comes, I am going to be so in trouble...
My Jap class is also giving me the headache. I am starting to fall back (as usual - that's what happened to my German class as well). I think a study buddy is really important. It is so difficult to keep up. I'm thinking of dropping out for the next session. Buck up abit, go for JLPT4 then resume intermediate 2 but then again I will be one class behind my old classmates and after so long, I have gotten used to them...
But I do so much want to go for pilates or belly-dancing class which so lamely falls on monday as well... what to do?
Hmm, also because my sis has been hogging the comp for good... there's totally no chance to play online games anymore. JY asked me, what do gamers get out of playing these never-ending games. I don't know, satisfaction of playing some kind of game? Playing these kind of games put me into another world, with different quests. For the time being, I can forget about who I can and the problems that comes along.
Nowadays, I have even lost this chance to forget myself momentarily.
I like my job, but...
what has happened to my life?
Anyway, I was surprised to find so many dears have tagged me. So sorry, guys - I didn't visit my webpage for ages until Siying mentioned again today.
Once again, it is back to the routined monotonous weekend for me. Shopping on saturdays, and church on Sundays. Until such that, every week when my Jap teacher asked what we do on weekends, I'm always "Kyou kai e ikimashita." (I went to church). Nothing much special about my weekends. Since now mom has made it a rule that she must see me on all the special occasions singing - guess she was pissed off for my absence on stage on church anniversary. So much so that she keeps putting the blame on JY for influencing me. Not to say that he didn't influence me, but he is not the main issue. I guess it went way back even to JC days. Can still remember Daphne nagging at me - "change church lah". So, what makes me so indifferent? Why can't I stay peacefully serving in church? Why do I question so much?
Maybe because I am not motivated ba. I have been much influenced by people from campus crusade. In uni days, they showed much vigour and zest. I felt so "alive" among them. I felt that I can really enjoy being in the community of christians. They were very real, very enthusiastic about serving and definitely very serious. Maybe because I don't have a good fellowship in church. In the first place, never really felt I belonged there. Now, plus so many new faces, don't even want to go back.
Ask me to take the choir again? I told myself, I will just stay as a normal member and sing till one day maybe I have the courage to move on, or I have become accustomed and just stay quiet without complaining about it. Looks like my heart might be giving in again. Sadly, nobody else can take the role. Everyone is busy with something. It seems like I'm the most free eh? Maybe I am free... people say knowing music is a blessing. Sorry God, I feel that it is a burden, almost as if it is a curse. I rather not know music. I rather be someone invisible. I don't want... I DON'T WANT!
I feel like shouting at the top of my lungs. It seems that there are so many things inside me. Maybe that's why I'm always so frustrated. But yet, I can't let it out. JY is already scolding me about it, because I'm always so unreasonable, losing temper. He feels that it is a trademark of my mom. Although it is true, I really don't wish to have both of them against each other. I'm not listening to sermon even though I stay wide awake, I'm not praying, I'm not even there....
I guess when Judgement Day comes, I am going to be so in trouble...
My Jap class is also giving me the headache. I am starting to fall back (as usual - that's what happened to my German class as well). I think a study buddy is really important. It is so difficult to keep up. I'm thinking of dropping out for the next session. Buck up abit, go for JLPT4 then resume intermediate 2 but then again I will be one class behind my old classmates and after so long, I have gotten used to them...
But I do so much want to go for pilates or belly-dancing class which so lamely falls on monday as well... what to do?
Hmm, also because my sis has been hogging the comp for good... there's totally no chance to play online games anymore. JY asked me, what do gamers get out of playing these never-ending games. I don't know, satisfaction of playing some kind of game? Playing these kind of games put me into another world, with different quests. For the time being, I can forget about who I can and the problems that comes along.
Nowadays, I have even lost this chance to forget myself momentarily.
I like my job, but...
what has happened to my life?
Comments